On to more pressing matters--The Future. In my opinion (facts to everyone else), the future is what happens later than present. For instance, the future of this sentence is a period. And the future to this sentence is another period Bronze Age The point is, the future is eminent and undeniable, and just like the clairvoyants that came before me, like Nostradamous and Tupac, I will now foresee the future. Unlike them, I will tell it in a narrative revolving around a young boy, Abner, and his well educated and well mannered yet unattractive mother, Astrid. Enjoy!
The year, 2050. The place, Memphis, Tennessee in a small house right off Romney Avenue. A young boy named Abner wakes up to the sound of Nickelback playing on his government issued alarm clock. It's 5 a.m. on a Saturday, so he must get ready for school. His mother, an unemployed Desert Storm veteran named Astrid, makes his favorite breakfast-- blue pill. After ingesting his days rations of Diet Coke (now made completely out of corn), he heads to the door. His mother hands him his satchel made from the hides of illegal immigrants, gives him a kiss on the forehead, and sends him on his way. Embarrassed that she got her government issued red lipstick on his forehead, he readjusts his mandatory Beiber-cut hair to cover it up. He gets on the school pontoon that now take the children to school as a result of the flooding due to Comrade Gore's global warming. He talks to his friend, Ansel, about how funny Little Fox (programming for children presented by Fox News) was. He finally makes it to school where he sits in his chair to start the day. Today's subject?-history. In the future, there is only one subject per day as there is only one hour of school (ps, the arts have been banned from school after president Gringrich outlawed homosexuality back in 2014). In history, the kids learn about the Alamo. Abner is told to read aloud:
"A long time ago, a whole lot of men who were led by Davy Crocket were killed by Mexicans who wanted to steal their prized church. Davy resurrected, killed the Mexicans, and returned the church to it's rightful owner--America."
The bell rings, Abner packs his things, and gets back on to the pontoon. Because school is now so short, kids must work to occupy there time. Abner works for the largest fuel distributor in America-- Enron. There, he works from 8-8, beating baby seals and harnessing their blood as it's the only natural resource left that can fuel their pontoons (says president Bristol).After a long day of work, he comes home to find that his mother is passed out drunk on the couch. (In the future, it doesn't matter how well educated or well mannered a woman is, if she's unattractive, she will not be eligible for hire.) As always, he puts a tattered blanket over his unconscious mother, turns off the tv that the government has outfitted in every room of ever house, and goes up to get ready for bed. Abner's last hour of the day is a lot like ours. He gets a shower, brushes his teeth (there is no spearmint in the future. Arctic blast is all there is), and says his prayers. Here it is:
"Dear heavenly father, Thank you so much for allowing me to go to school today. I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to be able to be in a country where I can truly reach my true potential. Sure, sometimes it's hard knowing that even at 8 years old I have to work for 12 hours every day, but thank you for allowing smoke brakes. Please bless the less fortunate at Guatanamo bay who aren't able to find jobs. Also, please help my mother battle her alcohol problem. She really really needs a nose job, and something to fix her snaggle tooth. Finally, Rolling Stone is coming in town, and I'd really love to see them!
In Reagan's name, Amen."
I know what you're thinking. Boring. Bleak. Maybe not as fun or optimistic as you hoped the future would be, yes? Sorry. Because of poor turn-outs at elections, a lack of concern in one's neighbor, and no one commenting on or following my blog, this dark future will certainly be ours.
However, there is good news. Because of a group of revolutionaries back in 2012, a small country in the uncharted regions of Canada was formed. It's name? America II. Let's take a look at what's happening there in 2050. This story is about a college student named Alejandra, and her balding and slightly overweight father, Abdul.
It was a dark and dreary Tuesday morning in the little country of America II. The date was August 2nd, 2050, and college student Alejandra was waking up around 11:30. This was a special day for Alejandra as this was her 22nd birthday. In America, a twenty second birthday doesn't really mean anything, but in America II, it means just as much as every other birthday. For here, each birthday means 30 minutes more you can sleep in (For instance, a 21 year old could sleep in 'till 11:00, a 20 year old can sleep in to 10:30, and so on. With this system, retirement is something that everyone can reach by the time their 40). Alejandra gets up, brushes her teeth with Crest Flavor sensation spearmint, and goes down to kiss her father, Abdul, good morning. Abdul had just gotten back from the beach with his supermodel girlfriend because in the future, in America II, women and men are judged by their inner beauty, and not on there outer horridness. First things first on her birthday--Cake. On anyone's birthday, breakfast is vanilla cake with banana frosting. She receives the first of 22 birthday presents from her father around 12:30. A silver porsche boxster. It's not much, but it's what her father could afford on his minimum wage job at a pottery studio. She loves it, and is grateful that he remembered that she wanted it. "Thanks dad!", she spouts out with unbridled enthusiasm. Next, she's off to school. Sure, she just got a new car, but in the future, everyone will car pool to school, work, and other social outings. Before class, she wants to stop at the store to pick up cupcakes for one of her classes. She stops at Walton's Mart, because in America II, there are only local establishments to shop. There is always a parking spot, and there are never lines at check out. EVER. Finally she arrives at her publicly funded and socialized school, Second American University, where she studies to be a drive-thru window operator because in the future, drive-thru window operators need to be well educated and polite. She gets to class where she finds her report card sitting on her desk. She opens it up, and this is what it says:
Dear Alejandra,
Your attendance and participation, while not required, are greatly appreciated. We, your multiple teachers, love you, and know you will go on to do great things once completing your student career.
As far as your grade. This semester, you received a "Smiley Sun", which as you know, is equal to an "a" in America. We hope you continue to show how great you are, and don't let this positive attention hinder your growth as a free spirit.
Love, Violet Earthwind and Petunia groundsalt
(ps- Happy Birthday!)
Ecstatic, but not surprised by her schools devotion to establishing personal relationships with her, she smiles on through her day. Next class, Music. In the future, everyone will need to know how to play at least one instrument, and she chose Géophone. (Sidenote: "smoke one the water" and "stairway to heaven" are banned from being played on guitar in the future). Then, she has art appreciation, American history:post native genocide, and then finally Math. In her math class, they do nothing but learn how to use a calculator. In the future, the have come to terms tat learning math is obsolete, so they don't bother wasting our time. The future is considerate.
Once done with school, she rides the carpool to work where she works at Best-2-Buy in customer service…She's not rude. After her 5 hour shift, she returns home to find her dad working on a puzzle of the sistine chapel and eating fresh strawberries. She asks him to lay off the junk food, they both laugh, and she starts to help him with the puzzle. They catch up about there day, plan there weekend trip to Spain because in the future, plane tickets aren't expensive, and eat fresh ambrosia and sip on honeydew nectar until it's time for bed. She goes up to her bed that's made because in the future, beds make themselves. She gets on her knees, and says her prayer. Let's listen in:
Dear Kurious, Theos, Jehova, Adonai, Christ, Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, Zeus, Hades, and etc,
It's me, Alejandra. Thank you for my health and peace through out all the world. I don't understand you, and don't know for sure if you are listening, but that's ok. I believe in you, and that's enough for me. Thank you for President Sasha's Newest law outlawing parking tickets. That was really nice of her.
In nature's name, Amen
Bam! There's the future. Like I said, America might not look so good in 40 years, but America II will be doing really well. It's economy will be thriving, they will treat their educators with respect and adequate pay, and everyone will read my blog. Everything will be alright.
Now I'd Like to briefly adress a growing concern of mine--Rap. I like rap. I listen to it from time to time, and even have been known to spit hot fire a time or two amongst friends. But what is going on with music, specifically rap, objectifying women and romanticizing the fact that too often in our society, women are looked at as a piece of meat and not as a contributing member of society? And it's not just the men. People like Nicki Manaj and Kei$ha (or whatever) are just as bad if not worse for, not only allowing such disrespect, but joining in on it. I'm disgusted by how it's become so nonchalant and easy to constantly degrade a gender, and I'm confused on why people don't seem to care. Was Tipper Right?! Please tell me Tipper wasn't RIGHT!!!!!
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