SDV: Solving life's little problems one giant rant at a time

Hello, and welcome to SDV's third official post. 

 By now, you've more than likely realized what an insightful and monumentally engaging blog this is. You've probably noticed how my command of the english language and ability to express feeling are not only astounding, but that my lexicon is comparable to that of someone much older and wiser than myself. You're certainly conscious of my colorful vocabulary, and by now you definitely recognize that with my extensive phraseology, I am able to profess my inner most conceptions, consequently, gerrymandering even the most resilient of critics. You've also gathered that I figured out where the thesaurus is on my Mac (hereafter, Bernie Mac). All this and more are why you keep coming back, and for that, you all merit copious quantum of gratitude. Give yourself a meathook.  


Moving on to more pressing affairs, tonight I'd like to discuss some of my views on some current issues going on in the world. In the past, I've focused on matters that only affect my world, or at most, my closest constituents. But the truth of the matter is that there plenty of things, both good and bad, that deserve a bit of recognition. Here are all of them:

1. Weather- In Memphis, there are two things you can absolutely count on without fail. One, the people in ANY drive-thru will be rude to you. (McDonald's, Starbucks, Walgreens, parking garages, etc.) And two, the weather will be the exact opposite of what you want. The latter is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. How/why can it be in the 70s on the weekend, and then 29 degrees today? How can it snow last Thursday, then be reasonably hot the next day? We know it can't be Al Gore's fictitious "global warming". What did we do to piss god off???!!! Well, after much debate and careful deliberation, I have come up with a solution that will bring an end to this cursed weather dilemma-- Boycott Weather. That's right. Just as we've done with everything in the past ranging from BP oil to KFC, we should refuse Weather our business. For instance, have you ever noticed how whenever it's cold outside, stores all decide to sell jackets and coats? Coincidence huh? How about hot chocolate. When it's cold, isn't it weird how that's when hot chocolate, apple cider, and other hot beverages are sold more frequently? This is no random happening, people. I believe that all these different companies are in business with Weather, and they're profiting off of our misery. Our only means of reducing our dependence on foreign climate changes is to deny it our business. I'm proposing that we no longer bow to the cooperate forecast, and that once and for all we stop fueling this fire. From this point on, if it's cold, wear shorts…if it's hot, dress to ski. Lemonade is now the only drink on a snowy night, and I want chains on every tire near a hot beachy coast. If we can prove that Weather can no longer bully us into buying it's sponsors products, then we will again have control.  "People should not be afraid of their Weather. Weather should be afraid of its people." -Hugo Weaving 
2. Parking services at University of Memphis- Choice words (that I will not use in this blog) can only express my feeling towards you. You are the bane of my existence, and I know that without you, all of Earths conflicts would end. You are a plague on humanity, and your little slap-in-the-face receipts litter my existence the same way that you will clutter hell when you inevitably are murdered you worthless pathetic taddle-tails. 
3. Money- Why are you so necessary? Why can't I live without you? Why do I need so much of you, but have none of you? Money is not your friend. With friends, if you have a few really good ones, you don't need many others. The quantitative value of a friend is irrelevant, rather, the quality is what's important. This is not the case with money. It doesn't matter ow shiny or flawless your penny is, they're all worth the same minuscule amount. I believe that's immoral. Like friends, I believe if you take really good care of your money and are sure not to hurt or upset it, then you should have better fortune with it. Unfortunately, that is not how it is, and that sucks. 
4. Fat- (Those of you who know me know that I'm the pinnacle of fitness. You know that my physique is the apex of beauty, and my exemplary health is something that is awed at by all. For those of you who haven't had the fortuity to gaze at my downright perfect body will just have to take my word for it.)  I have had more and more run ins with my least favorite annoyance-- bad smelling, loud, obnoxiously obese people. OBVIOUSLY I'm not talking about all overweight people. Only the people who are, don't wear deodorant, breath loud, and just constantly smell of fecal matter. Whether it be those who talk about how guys are always hitting on them, or the ones who (I'm so positive) lie about their diet, work out routine, or other lifestyle choices. I know it's controversial for me to have such problem with huge people, but it's something that has gone through my mind for some time now. Most of it is a result of a fear that I might become one of these god forsaken souls. I might be hefty, but I shower daily. I wear deodorant!!!! I don't snack ("noche" for my roommate) constantly. I'm not always sweaty and out of breathe!! I don't ride handicap carts because I don't like to walk at wal*mart. I don't complain about not getting enough mocha in my mochachino!!!! I don't have permanent stains from rogue bits of food on all my shirts. I don't waddle everywhere I go. I don't smell of rancid tomato sauce and diaper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fat people- Get your stuff together. You're making me look bad!

I got a lot more emotional than I thought I would with that last one, so I'll end it there. I think I said basically everything I needed to say about those issues, and please feel free to start a discussion with me about anything. Please read all my followers blogs, and stay tuned for more posts from me. 

Wait, I wanted to leave you with an email I received today. I'm censoring it of any terms and phrases that would give away my relationship with them as I wish to keep them anonymous. Enjoy.

"take a deep breathe, blow it out, and deal with it...then relax.

life's experiences suck, but something comes along every once in a while that's good.

hell, i don't know how long it takes for something good to happen.  you're asking the wrong ***.

can't you just be thankful that you have your health, food and a roof over your head?  sure i can.

health insurance is ridiculous, and the republicans suck; food is either too expensive or it tastes like shit. and the roof leaks.

you're so damn negative. as in the glass is always half empty.

its not glass, its a paper cup cause its cheaper. and its not half empty but the fizz is out of it.

you can't be happy till something is taken away from you.  what if you were never born.  would that be better?  remember "it's a wonderful life" with jimmy stewart?  he finally was forced to realize his life wasn't so bad.  and the little angel did earn her wings after all.  and dad got a lump in his throat yet again like every year.

so go ahead, ***; tell ms. weaver that her job must be tough because everyone is trying to get in state tuition even if they don't deserve it. let her know you appreciate her approach in handling this.  compliment her on that perfume she wears, and that it reminds you of your grandma. 

if she gives you a hard time, slash her tires." 

Beautiful!